A people pleaser is defined as someone who consistently strives to please others, even at their own expense. This definition goes further to state that people pleaser’s may feel that their wants and needs do not matter or change their personality to those around them. I don’t know about you, but I feel this definition calls me out by my first and last name. This post is going to be reflections from a recovering people pleaser. I wanted to share it with you so you can reflect within yourself and make necessary change in your life if it applies.
Reflections from a Recovering People Pleaser
- You become a sum of other people’s needs.
Being a people pleaser can mean that you become a sum of other people’s needs. Let me guess, many people probably see you as the ‘therapist’ friend or you call yourself one. I know this is something you may be okay with because you genuinely like to be there for other people. But when you start to realise your role in people’s lives as the therapist friend. Well, let me just say that this may start to impact your relationships.
In the long term, being the therapist friend isn’t something that is sustainable. This is due to the fact that you will also have to deal with your own problems. It can be hard to manage yours issues, alongside other people’s problems. I have learnt that opening up to people, when you are usually the one everyone opens up to, can be a difficult thing. That is why you need to establish within your friendships, from the get go, that things work both ways. If you are the therapist friend, so are they too. You should be able to talk to your friends and loved ones equally. Don’t get into a habit of being the person that everyone goes too, but you don’t feel the same.
2. You’re Not a Therapist (Unless you are qualified as one)
No one assigned the title ‘therapist friend’ to me. I chose to see myself that way, as I wanted to be there for my friends in that capacity. Let me just preface by saying that there is nothing and I mean nothing wrong with being there for your friends and loved ones. But I want you to know, that it is actually possible to be there for your loved ones without needing to take the ‘therapist’ role. Remember that a therapist is professional who you see and talk to about feelings and deep issues going on in your life. The context of that situation is that you talk, and the therapist listens in order to help you work through things.
So if you are calling yourself the ‘therapist friend’ and allowing yourself to be perceived that way. What you are not realising is that you are not in relationship with people. Essentially, when you call yourself the ‘therapist friend’ you are saying that you hear others, but you are often not heard. Therapist’s don’t exchange roles with their clients after sessions, as that would be unprofessional. So to refer to yourself as the ‘therapist friend’ is to do a massive injustice to yourself. You need to start seeing yourself as equally valuable in your close relationships with friends, family, and loved ones. Build genuine friendships that allow for you to have a safe space too.
3. People will not tell you to stop people pleasing.
The reality is that people will not tell you to stop becoming a people pleaser. More often than not, your people pleasing benefits others because you probably don’t say ‘no’ enough. So why would anyone tell you to stop doing something that benefits them.
Which is why the greater work is started and done by you. I have stopped blaming others for the person I chose to become in their eyes. It is like getting mad at someone for coming to ask for a service you offered. I am writing these reflections because I have learnt that it is never too late to work on that people pleasing thing.
4. Being a people pleaser is not sustainable.
If there is one thing that I have learnt is that people pleasing is not sustainable at all. Maybe you have been a people pleaser all your life, but you know more than anyone that it is not sustainable. You cannot always be what people want you to be, and it is draining to even try. So why continue, is the question I ask myself when I feel overwhelmed by my people pleasing ways.
5. Being a people pleasing should not be your identity
This is perhaps one of the most important places that I have come to in my reflections of a recovering people pleaser. I am reminding myself everyday that I am not a people pleaser, it is not who I am. I say this because as I was writing my reflections, a part of me felt as though I was saying that being there for others isn’t good. It dawned on me that in the past I saw people pleasing and being a good person as interchangeable.
People pleasers are often described as kind and helpful because they go above and beyond for others. The truth is that you can be all these things without being people pleaser. Coming from a recovering people pleaser, let me tell you how I am learning to distinguish the two things. Be comforted to know that you can still do good by the people you love, without it coming from a place of people pleasing
Reflections from a Recovering People Pleaser: How to stop being a people pleaser.
- I can be a good person without needing to be a people pleaser.
The one thing that I am learning every day is that I can be a good person who is not a people pleaser. I genuinely love to help and support others to the best of my ability; it is my nature. But now, I know that I can be all these things, without needing to alter my personality, and be so agreeable. I am learning to completely be myself and not need to something else to please others.
2. Authenticity
The word authentic is defined as being of undisputed origin and not a copy; genuine. I have learnt that being true to my values, personality and Faith has helped me to stay true to myself, regardless of the pressure around me. Being authentic to who I am helps me to remember that I don’t have to change my personality to suit those around me. To be clear, in this context, when I am talking about ‘changing personality’ I am referring to changing who you are to fit in with other people.
The knowledge that I can completely be myself without needing to change in order to fit in is liberating for me.
3. Learn to say ‘No’
No is a full sentence. My inherent flaw has been my inability to say no to people. Being a people pleaser has often resulted in me saying yes to things that I know that I cannot commit to. But I have learning to use this word ‘no’ more and more without feeling bad for it.
It might be hard at first to say no, so take small steps by politely declining over text messages. The most important thing is that you exercise to use your ‘no’ as much as needed. I think learning to say ‘no’ has been the most practical thing that has helped me to stop being a people pleaser.
O’L Final Thoughts
Disclaimer: Please note this post is not medical advice and you should connect with a professional doctor or therapist if you are struggling with any mental or physical health concerns.
