Empathy is defined as the ‘ability to share someone else’s feelings and experiences by imagining what it would be like, to be in that person’s situation.’ The word comes from the German word “Einfühlung”, coined in the late 1800s, which might broadly translate as “feeling into”. In this post I want to discuss how to set boundaries as an empathetic person.
The world has lost its touch of empathy, which is why kindness and compassion have strayed away from the hearts of people. Yes, in every way possible I intended for that to sound so biblical. It’s common to see people on social media for example, ridicule others for things or situations happening to them. But there’s not enough people who think, how would I feel if I was in their shoes. How would I feel if that many people were saying all these negative things about me?
Empathy is a great thing as it help us to improve our relationships in all contexts and share concern for those that we don’t even know. Furthermore, it makes us more compassionate and kind beings.
I’m trying my best to stray away from talking about empathetic people by categorizing them, as if to say empathy isn’t available to most people. However, it is true that some people are more empathetic than others.
I want to talk about the importance of setting boundaries as an empathetic person. Having boundaries is something that I wish I had learnt when I was younger. Being empathetic requires for you to have boundaries as putting yourself in other people’s shoes can often result in you carrying the heavy burden of others.
The downside of Empathy
Believe it or not there is such a thing as the downside of empathy. This is happens when we experience too much empathy for others by prioritizing other people’s emotions over our own. Consequently, this can result in anxiety and depression. The problem lies within the experience of empathy to the point where you begin to experience other people’s emotions. Thus, the boundary between us and them is blurred when you do not exercise good boundaries.
Growing up this is something that I struggled with. Honestly, even now I have to catch myself from slipping into to those old patterns. I’ve always understood the pain and struggles of others to the point that I wanted to help by doing something about it. I wanted to physically carry those issues for them. In the hopes that the problems will go away.
I’m realizing that it’s important to know that you cannot fix everything, or that everything doesn’t need to me fixed by you. I know now that one of the things that I can do is give people their space to figure things out. If they want your help and support, they will ask for it. This is something that I struggled with as I always wanted to help.
Being so involved in the lives of others, to the point that you constantly want to fix things for them is not healthy. People will start to rely on you for their emotional needs. As a result you will start to feel the pressure and obligation to meet those emotional needs. I wanted to be that person that everyone came to for help. However, due to a lack of boundaries i neglected my own emotional needs.
How to Set boundaries as an Empathetic Person.
Boundaries as an empathetic person are important in order to help you to be caring, compassionate and kind without messing up your own personal emotions.
The Obligation Issue.
Often, empathetic people feel obligated to do something about the way in which others feel. If someone is upset in a group context, it will affect them and they will feel obligated to make that person feel better by intervening.
I need to reiterate that, there is nothing wrong with helping others. However, the issue lies within the obligation to always do something about the emotions of others.
But how much of their feelings are really your responsibility? Especially when the line between their emotions and yours begins to blur. If a friend within the group suddenly chooses to be upset or angry, and that affects you to the point that you are upset as well. How does that whole scenario become beneficial to you and others. What usually follows is the need to do something about it. Sometimes we make things worse when when we do not allow people to feel how they want to feel.
The boundary you have to to set has to do with your feelings of obligation. Whether it is your friends, family or workplace. You have to develop the ability to know when your intervention is required.
Allow people to feel how they feeling. Granted that sometimes how they feel can genuinely ruin your day, like your boss not being in the best of moods at work. But the requirement is still to separate how they are feeling to how you are feeling.
Which leads me to my next point
Stop taking on other peoples feelings.
This isn’t different to obligation issues. But I think one of the lost detrimental things about being an empathetic person, is the need to take on the feelings of others.
In personal relationships often taking on other peoples feelings can be a problem. This is because you never truly know how people feel.
For example
If friend is upset as they did not have the best of days at work.
It’s not necessary to feel upset because they are upset. A step further, is when you start to feel like you made that person upset.
A thing to do could be to ask them how are they feeling, give them an opportunity to talk about it if that’s what they desire to do. But do not overwork yourself by making it a point to change how they feel. There is nothing wrong with being there for people but learn to separate their feelings and yours.
Be mindful of emotionally draining people.
This is perhaps the most important thing. If there’s one thing that people will grow accustomed too, is the help they get from those who willing and always available for their emotional needs.
The issue is that people will often attach themselves to “empathetic people”. You become a dumping ground for their trauma, emotions and problems. Which in turn can cause you to start feelings anxious, unhappy and resentful in those relationships.
Relationships require work from both parties, not just you as an individual.
O’L Final Thoughts
Be mindful of relationships that involve a lot of trauma dumping. This can be very harmful for you as it can lead to overthinking and excessive worrying. In some circumstances, it’s important to discern when the help above your capabilities and resources.
Setting boundaries as an “empathetic person” is very central. It’s an amazing thing to be able to put yourself in the shoes of others. In many cases it helps us to become better friend, colleague, and more. Empathy often leads to compassion and kindness.
What is important however, is setting boundaries so that on the venture of helping others you do not compromise your mental health. It is essential that keep those boundaries strong, and are conscious of the line between your feelings and the other person.
