I read something recently, along the lines of ‘the terrible things you say about yourself, would you say that to your closest friends, family or a stranger’?. Would you tell someone that you love dearly that they are worthless, a failure, not loved, or many other harsh things that we so often say or think about ourselves. Which brings us to the question how can you be more self-compassionate?
Like most people would say, I am my own worst critic. When I make mistakes no one blames me like I do myself. But, I would not criticize my loved ones or anyone else for that matter the way I do myself. I can give a friend advice on a problem that they have, but somehow believe that it doesn’t apply to me. I can tell someone that they can overcome their mistakes; but believe that my own mistakes are just that much worse.
What is Self Compassion?
When looking at self-compassion the first thing to understand is the term Compassion. A quick google definition of the term defines ‘Compassion’ as the sympathetic pity and concern for the sufferings and misfortunes of others. Emotion researchers define the term as a feeling that arises when you are confronted with another’s suffering and are motivated to relieve that suffering. There is a difference between empathy and compassion. The feeling of empathy often leads to not only the understanding other people’s pain but feeling it too.
With that understanding of Compassion in mind, it becomes clearer what the term self-compassion means. So, self-compassion is essentially sympathetic pity and concern for your sufferings and misfortunes. To further elaborate on that using the Emotion researchers’ definition. Self-compassion means being motivated to relieve your own suffering. If you can be compassionate about the misfortunes of others, the understanding here is that you can do the same for yourself. But of course we know that self-compassion isn’t something that comes easy to many of us, and that people often struggle to extend compassion to themselves. But why is it important to be Self-Compassionate, anyway?
According to Dr Kristin Neff self- compassion is ‘being warm and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate, rather than ignoring our pain or flagellating ourselves with self-criticism.’ The biggest thing that I have learnt and I am learning about self compassion is that I am human so inevitably I will make mistakes or fail. Not just that, intentionally or unintentionally we are capable of doing things that may hurt others.
In contrast, being self-compassionate means that you are kinder to yourself by accepting your shortcomings. I find that being kind to myself in my failings has encouraged me to work on being better. This is because self-compassion is not self-pity. Usually with self pity, we feel sorry for ourselves and it ends there. Studies have found that self-compassionate people are more likely to take responsibility for their mistakes. This is because if we can be kind to ourselves, especially when we mess up big time. It is more likely that we seek to be better next time. The reason for that, is found in the acceptance that you are human and prone too mistakes but also change.
Why is Self-compassion important?
Using the example of hurting others. This is where self-compassion is often needed the most. Just in typing this, guilt dawns on me to say, well if you hurt others why should you have self-compassion, you did the hurting. Well to respond to that thought. Firstly, self-compassion has never been about not taking responsibility. When we hurt others we blame, persecute and hate ourselves. But feeling that way does not take away what you have done or even make it better.
Self compassion is key to your mental health and overall wellbeing. According to Health Harvard self-compassion yields a number of benefits such as lower levels of anxiety and depression. Self-compassionate people are able to recognise when they are suffering and are kind to themselves at these times, which reduces their anxiety and related depression. Whenever I have persecuted myself for the terrible decisions I have made in the past. It has caused me to go down the rabbit hole of guilt, self pity and sadness. But exercising self compassion in my shortcomings has helped my mental wellbeing.
6 things to remember with Self Compassion
For some people self-compassion may come naturally but the good thing is that self compassion can be learnt. You can teach yourself to be kinder, more loving and caring. You can practice loving yourself more everyday by being mindful to the things that you say about you. When you mess up try to be kinder to yourself rather than hating yourself. Here are 6 tips to remember.
- Being kind, loving and compassionate to yourself is not an option.
- Remember. You are not alone.
- Reaching out for help is part of self- compassion.
- You are not above mistakes and failure. If you can believe that others can overcome things. You can overcome.
- Making a mistake is not the end of the world.
- Every one makes mistakes.
O’L Takeaway
It is important walk in the fruit of the Spirit: Love, Joy, Peace, Long-suffering, Kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control. All these things should begin with you. Just as it is important to be loving and kind to others.
